then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
