Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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