Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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