Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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