Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
