im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
