Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
