I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize