What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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