You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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