No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
