Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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