So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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