You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
