Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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