i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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