i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
