I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
