just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
