ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
