just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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