so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I want to have your abortion
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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