oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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