New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
