If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize