All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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