Kiss
Puke
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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