got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize