I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
