i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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