It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
