defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
