I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize