My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
