i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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