she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
