I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
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