i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
