How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
