Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize