U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
