i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
