first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
