the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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