That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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