i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
