U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
