Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
