problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
