I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
