Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
