When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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