At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
