Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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