I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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