I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
