he tried to breastfeed my turtle
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
