There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize