I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
