So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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