We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
