The best revenge is premature balding
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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