3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
