I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize