I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize