her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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