Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
