my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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