An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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