Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
