the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
