Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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