My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
