my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
